Mac, Moving On: Embracing The Shadows and The Light

In a few days, I’ll be standing in the shadow of the total eclipse. I guess I’m feeling sappy these days, but an eclipse is like life… there’s always shadows. They’re not bad. They may be scary. Or beautiful. Or both. But in a way they’re good– because if we have a shadow, it means that somewhere, there is light, and the light always comes back.

As Witches, we embrace the shadows and the light.

For me, I’m coming out of one shadow, but turning my face toward the sun. On paper, I’m not divorced yet…. but that’s coming.

In my heart, however, I am thoroughly unbound from this man. I spent two nights in ritual. I listened to break-up songs. I looked through pictures. I cried my heart out and purged my emotions. I severed the vows, ritually burned everything from my handfasting cord to a copy of my vows, screamed in anger, let out my frustrations, smashed our silver handfasting chalice. I meditated and went into a trance, I went through my chakras and untied and unbound every tie that held us together. I cleansed myself with sage and healed myself with some enchanted chocolates and found consolation in the beauty and love that is to come.

The morning after what would have been our 18th anniversary I drove in the dark to the beach and dumped the ashes. I threw the smashed silver cup away as well. I stood knee-deep in the water, cleansing myself, baptising myself in this new phase of my life. Facing East, I welcomed the Sun. I watched the horizon as the light began to consume it, painting the dark sky pink and orange. I watched the sun break on the edge of the water until it was hovering in the sky. The warmth bathed me and I knew it was done.

I feel like I don’t even know him anymore, and I’ve lost all respect for him. Spiritually, and emotionally, I’m free.

We have kids together, and he’s made a complete mess of himself, so unfortunately he’s still, temporarily, around. I’m not going to go into detail, but he’s made a complete mess of his life in all ways– emotionally, financially, etc. with a lot of stupid-ass choices. But for the kids’ sakes I’m trying to keep it civil and help prevent him from ending up on the streets. I can put up with it for a little while… until the divorce is settled, he starts paying what he owes me for support and we get everything untangled.

I will be away from him soon enough though! I am MOVING TO TENNESSEE! 

In 2015 we decided to move to Orlando, but it didn’t work out in 2016 as we couldn’t find a place we liked. We decided to resign the lease where we’re living and move in 2017, but about 3 months before we were supposed to go is when he started cheating and left me.

I was about to move to Orlando, too, a few months ago, when it hit me: I don’t particularly love Florida. I came here because of him. It was a compromise, though. Oh, I learned to make the best of it, and come to appreciate some of Florida’s charms, but hell, I just never fell in love with the subtropics.

It dawned on me, I don’t have to stay in Florida. I can go anywhere I want.

My boys were set for Orlando so I told them I’d move there if they want, at least for a couple of years until they’re settled in college and/or jobs (my youngest is 16). But they actually want to move to Tennessee, too… to someplace where there are seasons. They’ve never lived out of Florida and are curious about it. They could always leave for college/jobs wherever they want anyway.

I plan to get on with the move immediately after the new year… I’d like to be out by February.

So, we’re actually going this weekend with my sons, since two of us have a birthday only two days apart. We’re going to scout out some places in our future new home town and watch the big solar eclipse.

Be sure to follow me on INSTAGRAM if you haven’t, as I’ll be posting images during my trip.

High on her speculative tower
Stood Science waiting for the hour
When Sol was destined to endure
That darkening of his radiant face
Which Superstition strove to chase,
Erewhile, with rites impure.

~ William Wordsworth;The Eclipse of the Sun, 1820

 

 

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