Mac, Moving On: Watching Someone Spiraling Down on a Path of Destruction

Have you ever seen someone you thought you knew and loved turn into a completely different person? And then watch them dive head-first into a downward spiral that you know for a fact isn’t going to end well? Watch them sit there grabbing on to more and more weights, even though they  were in way over their heads… all you can do is watch them drown?

I hope you guys don’t mind me going back into what’s going on with the ‘ex files’ for me, but blogging about it is kind of therapeutic. And I guess it’s good to share these kinds of stories and experiences online, because we can draw strength from each other in that no one is above having trouble and difficulties, not even Witches.

I’ve been watching slow and agonizing ruination of a man who I counted as my best friend and lover for more than 20 years. I still can’t believe it is happening.

 

Oh, I’ve accepted the break-up, the inevitable divorce, I’m not in love with him, I have absolutely no desires to go back. I don’t feel vindictive or hateful toward him. But the shocks just keep coming, and I find myself in complete awe. He made himself vulnerable to one woman who completely used him and toyed with him, playing cat and mouse games. He’s put his job at risk repeatedly. He’s threatened suicide and even took half-hearted attempts (more for attention and pity than to actually get the job done). he started smoking and drinking heavily. He’s been held for a few days for an evaluation in a mental hospital, not once, but twice, in the last few months. He’s buried in a mountain of debt, part of it to creditors plus he owes me nearly $4,000.

Now keep in mind, this is a man who had no major drama before this. He worked steadily– he didn’t like his jobs, complained they were killing him, and didn’t earn much. I encouraged him to push himself for something more, not just for a better life for our family but so he would be more fulfilled, but he lacked ambition. But he always worked and was a good, steady earner. He was a homebody; not big on bars, drinking, or carousing. He never raised a hand to me, never cheated on me before, we trusted each other with everything. He was a family man and would spend time with us, we’d go to Disney or camping or watch movies or play board games on family nights.

A year ago, if I had to list my biggest complaints, it would have been things like he had bad eating habits, he didn’t clean up after himself, he could be lazy and he could have shown a little more ambition, career-wise, even if he didn’t bring in more money he could have sought better hours and something that didn’t leave him so grouchy and in pain.

Now, he’s barely a shadow of his former self.

And he continues to screw me left and right. He was evicted from his apartment and came to me, homeless, begging me to take him in temporarily. I took him in on the condition that he contribute a fair share and pay me back, and help with the general chores. he agreed enthusiastically to be cooperative.

But the week after his last suicide attempt and a few days in the mental hospital, he met ‘someone new’ online.

A week after that, he was going to move to her state after he finished paying me back and getting himself back on his feet in a few months. In the meantime, he was going to help me get things re-painted and cleaned and ready to move around here, where we’ve lived for 10 years. I said sounded like a good plan for both of us moving on.

A week after that, he was looking to leave within a month… he’s not going to be able to pay me as much as he promised. I said, “wait a minute…”

I warned him that if things don’t work out for him with her, he has no resources… no pocket money, no car, no friends or family in Indiana, no mental health resources out there yet… if things don’t work out and she throws him out, he’s got nothing. He said he was willing to risk it.

I said but if he has nothing, he risks leaving me and the kids with nothing of what he owes us. He said he’s willing to risk that, too.

So I told him that if he reneges on his promise to pay me back before he leaves, I’m contesting the divorce until we work out him paying back everything he owes. He’s absolutely furious –spitting nails– that I’m not allowing him to get off scot free with his irresponsible behavior, and I’m actually trying to hold him to his promises.

He says he feels like I’m holding him prison, but he’s too self-absorbed and too busy being plain stupid right now to realize he built his own prison by fucking up his life so much that he’s actually dependent upon me and owes me a shitload. He doesn’t understand why I don’t just trust him. He keeps saying his word is good, he had good intentions, he can be trusted. But he has done absolutely nothing to show he’s worthy of trust– not a single good-will gesture. Not even cleaning up after his own damn messes.

I’m just so disappointed in him… it hurts to lose all respect for someone you used to be so in love with, and who you have a bond with for life even if you’re not together anymore. But he’s still just thinking of himself.

After his losing his apartment, moving in with me (platonically, separate bedrooms), suicide attempt, hospitalization, coming back, owing me thousands, etc… he promised on his day off he’d clean the mess he’d made after being here 2 weeks in my son’s room. My son was getting frustrated with it… and what did he do that weekend? Went to his friends. Called me and told me ‘he’ll get to it’.

Then he promised he cleaned the porch– and when I asked, he said he cleaned his mess up. This is what I found after he said he cleaned the porch:

He’s the only one who smokes.

He gets literally shocked when you tell him you’re tired of waiting for him to make good on even the tiniest promise. Personally if someone did as many big favors for me as I’ve done for him this month, I’d be doing anything I can to show my appreciation, they wouldn’t even have to ask.

Now, he’s on another vacation. He rushed to take more time off work so he could visit his new girlfriend on Friday, and before he went he told our son that he needed to not pay me back because he needs to go be with this woman and pay her rent.

My 19-year-old son is really upset. He told my ex, “If you do this and things don’t work out for you and you screw us again, this is the last straw for me, are you willing take that risk?”

My ex tells tells my son, “Yes. I’m willing to take that risk, because she’s my priority and I know this relationship 100% won’t fail.”

Complete and utter shock… my poor son told me, after tossing and turning and feeling sick over that for 2 days. He is devastated that his father is so proud to admit he’s putting a woman he met 3 weeks ago on the internet before his children.

My heart is aching for my sons… because the 19-year-old told the 16-year old. The 16-year old is also completely disgusted with him and wants nothing to do with him, either.

I have to admit, all thoughts of spells to cast on my ex have crossed my mind– I could try to make him stick to his word, try to ruin his love life until he finishes paying us, to try to control him. I don’t want to hurt him, though, and in his mental state it could really send him over the edge by attempting to manipulate such a weak mind.

Also at first I really wanted to give him a chance to wake up, turn around, and do right by his kids. But that’s apparently just expecting too much of him. I’m just going to battle it out in the courts and cast spells that justice is served and debts are settled.

But it puts me in a terrible spot now, because I’m going to have to do this probably without being paid back, and without child support for our youngest son.  That and the divorce are going to be a really hard hit for me, financially, so I’m turning my efforts and energy toward increasing my earnings.

I’m also at a point at which I just have to say no to him, no matter what it does to him, because I cannot afford to sacrifice another minute of time, money or compassion for this man. I have tried to help keep him on his feet so he didn’t completely fall flat on his face but he obviously doesn’t appreciate it and doesn’t even have the common decency to show some gratitude by making some kind of amends. I can’t allow him to keep using us, to keep taking advantage of us, to keep treating us like we are his guaranteed safety net as if we owe it to him to be his clean-up crew when things become a mess for him.

I thought we could separate amicably and watch out for each other’s interests. I honestly wished him well with his relationships; I wanted him to go on and be happy, just not screwing me and the kids in the process. Above all, even if he no longer gave a shit about me, I thought he’s do what was best for the kids… but that is apparently not going to happen. He has stopped caring about anyone but himself and his whims… he’s got no honor, no integrity, has not a single redeeming quality. He has lost the respect of just about everyone who cared about him, including the people who cared most.

Watching this man come to this is heartbreaking. What he’s done to himself in the last 9 months, watching him use us, watching him risk everything, throw everything good in his life away, including his two children, is just heartbreaking. It’s like the good family man is dead, and there is some insane, self-centered, childish, self-destructive imposter in his place. He’s like a pod person, and I’m grieving for the husband I had who is as good as dead, and now stuck trying to untangle this legal divorce mess with a monster who was left in his place.

I don’t know what’s going to be worse for him– finally self-destructing and ending up homeless, jobless, alone and mentally ill in a strange city, or snapping out of it one day and realizing everything he’s done, what an absolute monster he’s been, destroying his relationship with the very people who COULD have been there for him so he would never truly been alone: his children.

This has gone way beyond me getting dumped. That was painful, but he made things so much worse. A good man would have gone about it differently. He would have told me he was unhappy and left before looking for another woman. He would have gotten his finances in order and made more responsible decisions so he could move out, pay his child support and not have to ask the wife he left behind for help. He could have dated people and gotten to know them, instead of diving head-first into ‘falling in love’ and lying down to be a doormat for other women. He could have not gone thousands of dollars in debt to travel around the world in hopes of making a love connection, and just been patient and saved money for a vacation. He could have kept up with his meds, his doctor appointments and counseling, etc. to ensure his mental health was being dealt with during a big change of life. He could have made his kids a priority, spent time with them, reassure them that our divorce had nothing to do with them and that he still loved them and would still be there for him.

He failed on every single count…. Every. Single. Thing.

This is the most epic failure, by far, that I have witnessed in my lifetime and I am so saddened and utterly disgusted.

I have nothing to do now but try to look away and focus on myself and my kids. Cut my losses and move on. I have to work, scrimp, save, work magic like I’ve never worked it before, to get myself together so that when the lease is up here, I’m ready to move on from this place.

It isn’t going to be easy, but I can’t let my boys down… they were looking to move for two years. My 19 year old wants to go to a jr. college where they offer a culinary degree program, and he wants to save expenses by living at home and working. My 16 year old, who is not the most academically inclined, wants to go to a school of the arts. They don’t have any schools for what my boys want around here.

Now, after all the mess, we (me and my boys) all feel like we want to get as far away from here as we can… we are aiming for Tennessee, and have got to get a house this winter when our lease here is up. We have all got to start fresh and move forward with something to look forward to. I’m not going to  count on the ex making good on any of his promises, or doing the honorable thing and paying me back or paying child support, so I’m on my own.

Thankfully, I’m good at rising up to meet challenges. With my Gods and my faith, I know I can make whatever goals I set for myself.

Doesn’t make watching my ex crash and burn like that any less sad, though. What a complete shame.

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Mailbag: Ask Sage (8)

Hello all! A few things have been going on here with me:

  • I attended the Pagan Unity Festival in Tennessee– quite a drive from southern Florida, but worth it! Read my review here!
  • I’m working on finishing up my next book, 8 Suns to Becoming Wiccan
  • I’m STILL sifting through my huge, stuffed inbox
  • I’m working on those YouTube videos — See the Latest: What Your Mind Should Be Doing During a Spell

With that, I’m going to get to a few new questions. If you’re thinking of writing in, I welcome you to do so! Just give me time to get through– I never expected so many people needed help!  I can’t tell you how truly honored I am, I am humbled by the fact that you’re interested in my input.

Also, please check for previous Mailbags to make sure a question similar to yours wasn’t already answered.

Here are the latest crop of questions I’ve gotten through! Thanks for the thoughtful and insightful questions!

Your English is, I’m sure, waaaaay better than my ability to speak your native tongue, lol. So no sweat– actually, your English is very good for a non-native speaker.

Wow, that’s a lot of questions! Good ones, though, so I would like to tackle them one-by-one for you:

Whenever you do something new with your life, you risk change: getting an education, starting a new career, new hobby, moving to a new land, getting married, having kids, etc. It’s all going to change you. Witchcraft is no different in this respect. It’ll change you; I know it’s changed me– I learned a lot from the Craft, and it’s helped me become the person I am today. I’m very happy with that.

It’s also possible to ‘lose yourself’ in any new endeavor if you let yourself get sucked into bad choices and negativity. I can’t promise you it won’t ever happen– I don’t know you, or what you intend to do. But I can say that if you’re aware of the fact that you don’t want it to happen, that’s half the battle.

I’m getting the sense that the bigger issue here is that you’ve been taught the idea that Witchcraft = bad, and you are worried that even if you approach it with innocent intentions, some evil force behind it is going to sort of suck you in and make things go wrong. In my experience, that kind of worry comes from fiction and rumor. I would say that in my religion, Witchcraft is simply a self-help measure and magic is a tool of nature. If you approach it with good, healthy intentions, you have no need to worry.

Some people approach it with darkness– they want power over others, they are petty and want revenge, they are selfish and want to take from others more easily, they don’t care who they hurt. They wallow in negativity… so that’s what they get out of it. If you’re not a dark, negative person, then you don’t have to worry about it.

2. But it will be really you. Just like if you get a new dress or lose weight or fix your hair. Magic simply aids you in achieving your goals.

3. I can’t help you with that; there are a lot of people (particularly in your neck of the woods) who have real fears and prejudices against the Craft. Some people prefer to guard their privacy. Some people stand up to others and don’t care what others think. If you really fear that you’ll be shunned or attacked or your safety will be in danger for your beliefs, you need to consider whether you really want to open that particular can of worms.

4. Then learn how to do spells right, lol.

Seriously, everything in life has consequences. You are at risk when walking across a street, when cutting up veggies with sharp knife, when standing in a slippery, wet tub… life’s a gamble. Magic is like fire; it’s energy, to be used, but with respect. It can heat your home or burn it down. That doesn’t mean it’s bad or good. It’s just a matter of respecting it for what it is and exercising caution.

Witchcraft is no different… if you aren’t careful, there can be consequences. But probably not the kind you are worried about. I’ve cast spells that had unintended results… when my husband once needed a confidence boost for a job interview, I cast a spell on him upon request to motivate him to go after what he wanted. And he got the job… but he was also an argumentative, selfish, annoying bitch for the next couple of months until that boost wore off. I wanted to smack him sometimes, lol.

There are always natural consequences for everything we do, Witchcraft included. But I think your fears are born more out of misconceptions of Witchcraft than of what it actually is.

5. Again, I think you have some misconceptions of what Witchcraft is. Witchcraft is utilizing magic, a natural resource. A neutral resource. It doesn’t just automatically attract ‘evil’ or bad things to you, unless that is what you’re looking to attract, anymore than lighting a fire in your fireplace would automatically attract the devil.

It definitely sounds like she’s been working magic,most likely with the aid or guidance of a spellcaster (a costly one, probably) that convinced her that what she was doing was somehow a good thing. I’ve heard that spiel before about a ‘bonding cord’. Personally, I don’t believe those kinds of love spells are good; being restrained against your will, with real cords or with magical ones, is still bondage and imprisonment no matter how you slice it.

Some things you might have felt if this was a spell:

  • obsessive/compulsive about her
  • overly idealized her, ignored red flags, denied warnings, looked the other way when problems arose
  • resentful of her sometimes, almost as if you were angry that you couldn’t get away even if you wanted to, like a part of you was annoyed that she had this effect on you
  • she would become very frustrated that you weren’t turning out to be what she’d hoped for, that things weren’t going her way
  • very difficult to break up, thoughts of breaking up dragged out, actual attemps were very messy, lots of baggage

If you think you were under a spell, then it is good that she’s unbinding you (something she never had a right to do without your permission). But you should take extra precaution for yourself. I’d do an uncrossing ritual if you know how or are so inclined to such a big ritual if you want to be sure to break any last remnants of magical workings she may have done on you.

If you feel that would be too much for you for now, or if you don’t feel it’s that urgent, I recommend just getting an uncrossing oil from a good, reputable source like Lucky Mojo or The Sacred Grove. An uncrossing bath wouldn’t hurt either.

At the very least, get some salt and do some purifying/cleansing baths and/or showers and do some cleansing meditations. Best of luck!

Wow, see… that’s the tough thing about dreams. It’s so hard to know if it’s a psychic attack, a message/warning from the subconscious, a scary nightmare, etc. This is something you might need to explore– meditate, pray, and visualize white light around you to protect yourself before going to sleep.

Not knowing your sister in law, or what the deal is with her, it would be impossible for me to judge. But you might want to look into sleep paralysis, because it sounds like that was involved.

Let me know if things progress.

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That’s good for now! Bright blessings to all, and to all a good night!

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